What If?
by rps-lizardspock
Summary: What if Barney didn't survive the bus accident? Ted's POV. Spoilers through Miracles.


"Hello?" You ask, answering your phone.

"Hi, Ted Mosby? We have you listed as the emergency contact for Barney Stinson," the nurse on the other line says, and you frown. Why would Barney still have you as his emergency contact? More importantly, what was wrong with him?

"What is it?" Lily asks you, but you find you can't answer her, because what the nurse just said to you seems to have paralyzed your vocal cords. You stare helplessly at Lily, noting the frown on her face. You vaguely register the nurse's voice in your ear asking you if you're alright, but you still sit there in your hospital bed, staring at Lily and hoping she has the sense to take the phone from you. She does and you watch as she asks the nurse what's wrong.

"Oh my God," you hear Lily say, and silently curse her for still being able to function. You watch as she looks around to Marshall and Robin. "It's Barney," she says and suddenly all you know if blackness.

* * *

The next few days pass in a blur for you. Somehow you made it home after being released from the hospital and you've felt like you've been drifting ever since. Nothing seems to matter now as you finish putting on your sneakers. It's so unfair that in a few minutes time you and Marshall and Lily and Robin will all be headed down to the church where the funeral is being held and then to the cemetery. If this were a normal day you would be sitting around with Barney, listening to his latest scheme to pick up chicks. But it's not a normal day, and you can't help but think that there won't ever be another normal day again.

You hear Marshall tell you that's it's time to leave and you look up to see him standing there waiting, dressed similar to you in jeans, tennis shoes and a sweatshirt. You know that there will be people that think you're dressed disrespectfully, but you know that this is how Barney would have wanted it. You get up and follow Marshall through the living room where Robin and Lily are waiting. They're dressed in more traditional funeral clothes, though their outfits may have been slightly too skimpy to be considered traditional, but Barney _never_ had a thing against women in little black dresses.

You rented a black limo for the day, and it was sorta fitting that Ranjit was the driver. Barney always liked limos… and Ranjit. After everyone was sitting and the limo started to drive you were startled as "Shot Through the Heart" blasted through the speakers. You look to your left and notice Robin moving her hands away from the cd player, and hear her mutter something about how Barney would have wanted his 'Get psyched mix' playing. You smile sadly at her, but don't object, because you know she's probably right.

The ride to the church was a short one, although, for all you knew you could have been driving for an hour. Time, it seems to you lately, has no relevance. Before you know it, you're sitting in the front row next to James – his and Barney's mother next to him and you suddenly realize that you've never met the woman before. You look around the room at all the young beautiful girls crying and wonder whether or not they were all naive enough to believe that he'd ever actually had any feelings at all towards them. You shake your head because none of these people even really knew him. They're one night stands or arrangements he had. All of them in their overly exaggerated mourning dresses with their misguided tears.

You gaze around you and notice the tears welling up in James' eyes. You found out earlier that Tom had stayed home with the baby and you couldn't help but wish that they had come. Barney had loved his little nephew. Robin was sat to your right with Marshall and Lily next to her. You couldn't decide which one was crying more; Marshall or Lily, or who was comforting who as they sat holding each other's hand. You noted that theirs and James' were the only genuine tears in the entire room, realizing for the first time that you have yet to cry.

You zoned out the litany of bimbo after bimbo going up to speak words about how they cared for Barney. They were all the same. All foolishly believed there had been something there and you were tired of listening to it. The only thing stopping you from jumping up and shouting at them to stop was Robin's firm hand holding you down. You noticed she hadn't cried at all, either, but sat there stoically, accurately interpreting your feelings and stopping you from doing something foolish.

It was James' turn to go up and say a few words so you paid attention again. You listened as he spoke of childhood memories, laughed as he recounted the day that he came out to Barney and told how Barney had just shrugged his shoulders and declared that they were going to go to a gay bar that night. After a few more stories James sits back down and you're back to zoning out completely. Before you know it Robin's steering you down the row and back into the limo. Soon you're at the cemetery and you're watching your friend be lowered into the ground.

"So much for miracles," you hear Marshall mutter next to you, and a tear finally falls down your face.

* * *

Your life has become monotonous ever since Barney died. You can't seem to shake the guilt you feel. Guilt that he died thinking that you hated him. Guilt that it was because of you that he was hit by the bus in the first place. Guilt, because you never got the chance to tell him how much you valued his friendship. So you wake up everyday. You go to work. You go home.

Gone are the days of wingmaning and bars. It just doesn't seem to matter anymore.

One day, after a truly uninspiring day at work, you decide to go visit his grave. When you arrive in the cemetery you walk over and kneel next to the highly over-exaggerated tombstone that always seemed to you to represent Barney perfectly. You would have brought flowers, but as you walked by the florist shop earlier in the day all you could picture were Barney's raised eyebrows, silently asking if he looked like some chick to you, so you quickly vetoed the idea.

Tears roll down your face as you read the script on the tombstone. "Barney Stinson. Beloved Son and Brother. Awesome Friend. Legendary in His Own Right." Marshall had insisted on that last part.

"I'm so sorry," you whisper softly.

"Ted, what are you doing?" You hear from behind you and you startle, because no way can you be hearing that voice. You jump up and turn around. "What? No flowers?"

"Barney?" You ask, and sure enough, he's standing there in the suit you helped James pick out for him. You wipe the tears from your face.

"In the flesh… well, sorta. Dude, are you crying?"

"But… you're dead," you say, still in shock, and not completely sure of your sanity at the moment.

"Yes, yes I am," he replies. "And you know, I specifically remember saying I wanted to be buried in my birthday suit, not Armani."

"Yeah, James said your mother wasn't too big on the idea," you hear yourself say.

"Psh, figures," he says and walks over to where you're standing.

"Barney, what are you doing here?"

"I would have thought that that would be obvious," he replies. "You see, a long time ago I met this guy in the restroom at MacClaren's and I told him that I was going to show him how to live. And I did. That guy was awesome… you're letting me down here, Ted."

"But… you're dead," you say again, because you're not sure it really sunk in for Barney.

"Yeah, we've already been through this. Focus, Ted."

"But…"

"If I'm the one who died, how come you're the one that's stopped living?" He asks and for once you don't have an answer.

"Barney, I'm sorry," you say and you're not sure what you're apologizing for first.

He laughs a little. "For what?"

"For everything. For being the reason that you're dead, for being mad at you for sleeping with Robin, for letting you believe that I didn't want anything to do with you. For letting you think I didn't want to be your friend."

"Ted…" he begins, but you cut him off.

"No, I have to say this. I might just be losing my mind and talking to the air, but I have to say it anyway. I was stupid. I shouldn't have gotten so mad at you and I shouldn't have said that I didn't want you in my life anymore, because now you're really not in my life and it sucks. I hate it. I hate that you're gone and I never got the chance to tell you how much you mean to me."

"Is it my turn to talk now?" He asks. When you nod he continues, "Ted, I never believed any of that. I hurt you when I slept with Robin, and I'm sorry. I've never been sorrier for anything in my entire life, but there's nothing we can do about it anymore. You were hurt when you said those things, and they were all completely justified, but there was no way I was going to let that come between us. We would have made up eventually, because we're bros. The penalty for breaking the bro code isn't eternal exile. And what happened to me was not your fault. Did you ask for that car to hit your cab? I think not."

"Barney…"

"No! You have to stop this. All the years that you knew me, do you honestly think that I would have wanted you to blame yourself for something like this happening? Do you really think that I like watching you just going through the motions in life? You have to go on living so that one of us is living. So stop moping around, Mosby and get on with your life already. Go give Stella a call, and don't stand there and try to pretend that you haven't been ignoring all of her calls, because I know, dude. This little shell of Ted your projecting just doesn't suit you, man."

"I miss you," you say, turning away from him.

"I know you do," you hear him say. "And who could blame you? You just lost a huge chunk of awesome from your life. But it'll get better, I promise. You just have to believe it will and stop just letting life happen. You have to go out there and live it."

"Thank you," you say, still not looking at Barney.

"Go on with your life. Meet the woman you've been looking for to be your wife. Live a long happy life with her and your kids and tell your kids all about their awesome Uncle Barney. You've got so much left to live for, Ted, and it's gonna be legen- wait for it…"

"Barney?" You turn back around after a long pause and Barney's gone. You face back toward the headstone. You don't know how long you're standing there before you feel a hand on your shoulder.

"Ted?" You turn and see James standing next to you. "Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yeah," you smile at him. "Yeah, I think I am."


End file.
